"What you think of me is none of my business"

An incerpt from Dr. Merritt Jones' "The Art of Being: 101 Ways to Practice Purpose in your Life", summarzed by me.


A student asked his teacher how to achieve true inner peace and freedom from emotional suffering.

His teacher said to him, "Go to the cemetery and curse at each person that lay in their graves. Tell them they are are stupid, that they will never amount to anything, and that their mother is ugly. After you have done this, go back again the next day and bless and praise each person in every grave, telling them how wonderful they are, that they are beautiful. Light a candle next to their site, calling them saints. Once you have done this, come back to me."

The student did as he was told, and returned to his teacher. The teacher asked the student "Well...what did they have to say about your opinions?"

Astounded, the student replied "How could they respond at all??! They could not hear a word I said, positive or negative."

His teacher replied, "When you too, do not hear what others have to say about you, positive or negative, you will know true inner peace and freedom from suffering."


~I just love this story. Isn't it amazing that we can go about our own business feeling confident about ourselves and what we're doing, but once someone says something negative about us, we seem to fall apart? Why do we let other people's perceptions or insecurities affect our life??

When you become mindful of your own true self, other people's opinions (nice OR nasty) are meaningless. YOU know who you really are and therefore there is no need to be defined by someone else. This does not mean you have to ignore compliments or criticism from others, but just be sure it does not become food for your ego.

You are unique and amazing. "Make the decision to not take anything personally, and then notice the inner peace that comes with that release."

Happy soul searching :)

"It's not what's happening...It's how you respond."

Tara Brach (from http://blog.tarabrach.com/) wrote this amazing blog post that we discussed in a Radical Acceptance group recently. Here is the concept, paraphrased by me:


Decades ago, when the English had colonized India they wanted to set up a golf course in Calcutta. At first the golf course seemed to be a great idea; the only challenge was that the area was completely overpopulated with monkeys.

The monkeys, of course, were very interested in golf as well. Every time people would hit their balls, the monkeys would run after the balls and throw them around the course. The golfers HATED this, and tried everything they could to stop this from happening. They built huge fences, which the monkeys would just climb over. They tried to sway them away with bananas, which the monkeys would just eat. They tried to lure them, capture them, and relocate them. But the monkeys would just find their way back.

Finally, the golf course had no choice but to put a new rule into effect: The golfers in Calcutta had to play the ball wherever the monkey dropped it.

They were on to something!! Think about it. We all want life to be a certain way. We want everything to be just right, just the way we planned. But sometimes life just doesn't cooperate. So when monkeys are dropping balls where we don't want them, what can we do???

**If we want to find peace, if we want to find acceptance, if we want to find freedom, we must pause and say--"Okay. This is where the monkey dropped the ball. I"ll play it from here, as well as I am able."**

Sometimes in life it doesn't matter what's happening...it's how we respond to it. How we respond determines our happiness and our peace of mind. When life picks up your ball and throws it wherever it wants, you just gotta pick it up and keep playing.

Is there a situation right now you are having a difficult time accepting? Is there any way you can change it? If not, how can you accept that this is where your ball has been dropped, and move forward??

Smelling the Roses

As I am rounding the corner to finishing up my Masters, my classmates & I realized something (better late than never, right?) How often do you actually stop and smell the roses?

In hectic times like these, we are constantly running...running to work, running home to change, running to the gym where we are literally running, running to take care of our kids, of our house, running to meetings, running out of time. While it's going on, we complain about how busy we are, how crazy we feel, and how non-stop our life is at the moment.

But, like magic, once it all slows down we are left standing with the rest of the world buzzing right by us. All of a sudden we look back at that "crazy time" and think... Wow, well THAT was a good experience.

When that happens to me, which it does all the time, I always wish that I had appreciated it WHILE it was happening. I wish I had stopped, looked around, & took a few moments to smell the roses. I encourage everyone to slooooooow down. Keep your eyes, your ears, and your heart wide open. Take it all in. This is YOUR LIFE. It only happens this once. Live, breathe, love....and keep running forward.

What Tangled Webs We Weave...

Think of yourself as the center of this spiral.

When you are growing up, you keep the people that mean the most to you, that you trust the most, the closest in this spiral.

You believe that they will never ever leave your inner circle and will stay as near to your center as possible.

As years go by, some of the people that were constantly in your inner circle start to web out, and new ones come in.

What means the most to you, who you trust, and what you look for in a friend all relate to this spiral.

How you were raised is (usually) a direct association to the attachment that you make and keep in all relationships.

THERE ARE THREE ATTACHMENT STYLES, and they all come back to this shape:

SECURE: A child in this category knows early on that they can depend on their guardian and that they will be there for them when they need support. They know exactly what they need and want from the guardian, and usually get it.

AVOIDANT: This child has learned that depending on their parents will not get them that secure feeling that they want, so they need to depend on themselves.

AMBIVALENT: This child learns that sometimes their needs are met, and sometimes they are not. Ambivalence means "not being completely sure of something". They realize early on what type of behavior will get their parent's attention, and then use it over and over again to get what they want. They are constantly looking for the security that they sometimes get.

Relationships can get very complicated. If you think back on how responsive and attentive your guardians were from infancy to early adolescence, sometimes that can connect the dots as to why the relationships you have now last/do not last the way they do.

And for some people this may not relate AT ALL, it is just an interesting way to think about things on a Friday morning :)

Near Life Experience

I work as a research assistant and one question we ask subjects is if they ever had a Near Death Experience. The answer, of course, is different for everyone.

I started thinking....Who HAS had a near death experience? What does that mean? What's the difference between a Near Death Experience and a Near Life one? I found a part of an interview someone did with a Dr. Bernie Siegel who an interesting perspective...

"When I was four years old I had a near death experience. I was out of my body and almost died choking. And the comment I make is: if it's just chemistry, then why don't we all become drug addicts after that experience? You'd think if it was just chemistry, you'd try to repeat that experience with something. But instead, we become very spiritual human beings, not addicted to anything except maybe life.

If you have an alcohol or drug addict, you know when they really start to enjoy life? When they join AA or find something more meaningful than the addiction. And to me, the term for that became a Near Life Experience."

A Near Life Experience can happen to anyone. It is a critical decision point; a chance to live the life you want. It can come out of nowhere. A Near Life Experience is an opportunity to take that first step down a road leading to a more productive, satisfying, happy life.

Unfortunately, we all know people who do not survive their Near Life Experiences. They don't take that first step. They lose the opportunity. Something inside them dies. When faced with adversity, SEIZE IT.

Whatever your situation is, you have the choice to change it. RIGHT now.

Make your life meaningful. Live your dreams. Live for your life.

The Mirror Effect

While currently reading Dr. Drew Pinsky's new book (host of Loveline, Celebrity Rehab, etc.) I came across a concept that seems so simple, but is so complicated.

Dr. Drew states, "When trauma occurs to a child under the age of twelve, it triggers a characteristic--and normal--thought process. The child will first believe that he has somehow invited the traumatic actions; that they are at fault. This grandiose thought becomes fixed in their mind, resulting in a deep sense of shame."

This all makes sense to me and is the first thing you learn while understanding trauma. But what he said next I never really put together...

"One of the most confusing aspects of the typical response to trauma is that it results in an unconscious urge to seek out reenactment of the traumatizing event. This is why young girls who have been abused by men will seek out relationships with abusive men throughout their lives. Teenage girls who call in to Loveline to complain that they never have relationships with 'nice guys' will usually admit with little prompting that they were abused as children. This type of unconsciously damaging behavior is called repetition compulsion."

This really made me think. Sometimes people grow up and get into relationships, with exactly the same type of person they have been trying to avoid their whole life. It is important to know that THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE. It is also important to know and understand, that trauma is normal. It is normal to experience trauma, to learn from it, and TO MOVE ON. Whether your parents used too much drugs, or you were regularly physically abused, emotionally abused, or constantly made to feel self concious, you need to know you can get over it. You can find someone that makes you feel important. A healthy relationship with a friend or a partner. You need to understand that you can CHANGE this. It's never too late. You are beautiful and special. You do NOT have to let your past affect your future.

Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development

Erik Erikson developed one of the best known theories of personality, called psychosocial development. He believed that this theory is the development of the Ego, or the conscious sense of self we develop through social interactions. This is relevant to you because sometimes it is hard to understand why you act or react a certain way in relationships, but looking at this model may give you a better idea why... Stay with me here....

Erikson believed that at certain time points in your life, you are supposed to understand and conquer certain feelings. If you do not develop these qualities correctly, it can haunt you for the rest of your life. During these critical times, the potential for growth is high, but so is the potential for failure. Think about your childhood and see how these stages relate to your sense of self and intimacy in relationships NOW....

For example, the first stage in Erikson's theory is trust versus mistrust, starting right at infancy. Because at this age (birth to one years old) you are utterly dependant on someone else, this is a vital period in ones life for someone else to take care of them. IF there is someone there, the infant may gain trust. Trust in themselves, trust in their environment, trust for someone else. If ones caregiver is not around or emotionally unavailable, the infant may develop a sense of MIStrust which can influence every single relationship they encounter in the future.

The second stage is autonomy versus shame a doubt. This is from one years old to three. At this time, childhood is focused on developing a sense of self control. (getting dressed themselves, learning to use the bathroom, etc.) If a parent allows them to discover how to do these things and teaches them it is okay, they will achieve dependency. If a parent smothers the child, tells them what they are doing is wrong, does not show them or isn't around to show them the proper way to do things themselves, they may gain a sense of shame and doubt. They have to fend for themselves and learn what they think is the "right" way to do it. They are scared to ask their caregivers if it's right in fear of getting in trouble, so they internalize their thoughts and feelings. This can cause major damage later on in life.

I'll skip to the sixth stage, which is intimacy versus isolation. This occurs in early adulthood. Think of your family setting when you were 11, 12, 13 years old. If a house is filled with an open line of communication and love, the child should grow up with an understanding of intimacy and close relationships. Those who grow up in an environment where there was NO communication or love out in the open, the child may grow up with feelings of loneliness, depression, confusion, and emotional isolation. They have to teach themselves how to love, and try to understand what is okay to say to others and what is not. It is very hard to get over this stage is you grew up feeling isolation from love.

Sometimes when you look at things from a perspective like this one, it becomes a little easier to see WHY you react this way. It is VERY HARD for anyone to look at themselves and say Yes, I definitely felt isolated from love when I was young. THAT IS NOT AN EASY THING TO REALIZE ABOUT YOURSELF. But if you are honest with yourself and your feelings, you may begin to realize important parts of your past that are influencing your life now. And although I do believe in Erikson's model, I do not believe that you cannot move out of it. Recognize, realize, move on.